An even happier ending?

So, last week I vowed to return to the scene of the overly-enthusiastic massage. I figured that now that I'm used to it, I might enjoy it more this time.  Logical, right?

I went into the room, declined the PJs, laid down and began reading my latest book (Sidebar: I love China...I have so much freedom since I don't drive, cook, or clean, that I've finished 11 books since I've been here!).  The masseuse (different from last time), started talking to me in Chinese as he began to work.

Apparently, my blank stare has lost it's edge... so I advised him, "I'm sorry, I've got nothing."  To which he replied with more Mandarin.  I then gave him my shrugged shoulders, raised eyebrow, neck twist to symbolize, "Really, dude, I don't have a flipping clue what you're saying, and I just want to pay you to rub my feet."  Sidebar: I know I sound  like a queen B*TCH right there, but fighting the language barrier is exhausting...and sometimes, you just want silence.

He then started "writing" in his hand with his finger.  I started to pay attention, thinking perhaps it was foot related.  Ah... a little more focus was all it took.  He was upselling me!  For an extra 10 RMB (~$1.60), I could have so much more done.

So, I took one for you, dear readers, I agreed to the extra 10 RMB.  I hope you're happy with what happened next.

The work was going along as usual - wash, rub, wrap.  When the calf/thigh work began, I was prepared for the kneading, and this time I likened it to the scarecrow's re-stuffing upon entry into Oz.  I didn't even flinch when he came too close to the hoo-hah... I was doing great so far.

Once he finished the kneading, it was stretching time.  I guess this is what I paid 10 RMB extra for!  So, my legs were bent in every which way -- like a horizontal Irish jig (inside, outside, outside, inside, kick, kick!).  It felt great -- like having a chiropractor or physical therapist working on me. 

Then it was apparently time to see if I've ever danced on a pole.  While lying on my back, he took one of my legs (mind you, I'm wearing capris, not PJs), and stretched it over my head.  I literally lost sight of my foot, but I felt a breeze next to my ear as my toes went by.  The cramp in the back of my thigh undid all of his handiwork, but I stayed there holding the stretch... mainly because there was a 160 lb Chinese man holding my legs apart like a wishbone....

When he finished with both legs, it was time for the flip.  I could ride a horse without repercussions now, but ok... at least I can go back to napping. 

Well...not quite.  He began my rear, not with 4 loud whacks, but rather, with 4 fingers inserted into my butt-crack.  My butt snapped shut like a venus flytrap.  I'm surprised he didn't lose a fingertip in the process.  So much for napping!  So, I asked: "Uh... whatcha doin' down there, Pedro?"  His response was to push my head down into the table and go back to work.  Apparently, this, too, was part of the add-on package. 

He finished his anal-exploration, and moved down to the back of the legs...I unclenched my ass, and began to breathe normally. 

Aah.... rest.  Then the lower back... mmmmm...relaxation.  Visions of beaches and palm trees filled my brain.....sigh.  This is heaven.  Until.....

Uh, Pedro, you're supposed to stay outside the clothing.  Ummm.... Pedro?  Yoo hoo?  Whatcha doin with my bra? 

Yo! China-dude! Why is my bra no longer securely snug on my body!?!?!?!?!?!?

I lift up, again, to see what's happening, and he pushes my head back down.  He put my shirt back down and started his above-the clothing work again.  Ok... back to relaxing.  The bra was just in his way.  Whew.

Palm trees, coconuts, warm breezes.... I'm back in the groove.

Uh, Pedro?  Why are you I pulling my shirt over my head?  Uh, no...I'm really good with the straps ON my shoulders.  Pedro? Pedro?  My shirt is wrapped around my head and you left the room?  PEDRO!?!?!? 

About 5 minutes later, the masseuse returns.  I hear the door open, then close.  Then I feel a bag of what feels like warm peas being rubbed all over my now fully-exposed back and shoulders.  After the pea-party, he re-hooked my bra (I've never had a man do THAT before...and I'm pretty sure, he's never fought a 5 hook boulder-holder before either...educational and entertaining for all, I guess!).  All this for the value price of 10 RMB!

He finished with the warm knee mud soak, and I was on my way.

I guess I should trust a little more... But if he's going to get that personal again, I probably should learn his name...